I cannot help but realize that during the past months I have been more and more resigned to the fact that my loss is far greater than anyone's. Yes, I know this is not true. Jerry Sittser wrote A Grace Disguised. I am currently attached and reading. As I read his chapter, Whose Loss Is Worse. I cannot help but argue with him. Yet he and the Holy Spirit are reminding me that my anger is clouding my judgement.
My loss is greater than anyone's because I was ready for children years ago. And then it took months to be blessed with Jacob. And on top of those facts, I had understood and surrendered my son to God, the Heavenly Father. I was more spiritually aware of how fleeting life can be. I understood that I may not have him forever. I knew Jacob was a gift from God and I continually thanked my Lord for the blessing. Because of my 'vast knowledge' I should have been ammune to this disaster. Well, obviously, I am not. No matter what we are all at risk.
My loss really is not greater than anyone else's loss. It is just different. A well known pastor in SoCal lost his son- he was 33. I hear his story and think, "Well at least he got to know his son and watch him walk in truth- I DIDN'T Get that! He should know how lucky he is." Can you hear the anger? I do. Parts of my head think, "My works should have earned me better than this"- though are works earn us nothing.
I am struggling. I am still looking for the answer to my famous question, "Why?" Brendan put it perfectly a few weeks back. "Why did God give Jacob to us if He was going to take him back?" I don't know- but I kept begging for an answer. After months of not getting one I am now in a place of frustration. This was senseless. My Omnicient and Omnipotent Lord could have, and should have, prevented this. Yet He did not and want to know why!?
That is why my loss is greater than anyone's- though it really is not. All I can do is sift my emotions bit by bit.
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The pain is the same; but different. I thought you would identify with his blog because he too is struggling and I sense anger in him sometimes even in the limited exposure I have to him. But who can we be mad at? Where can we go but to the Lord? And yet that's who can also handle our railing over the pain too. Don't be so hard on yourself, this is still a fresh wound. 'Easy fixes' arn't real fixes, dealing with the pain heals the pain. Read God's Word, even outloud. That is where the battle for your mind is won.
And I weep with you, which after prayer is the greatest comfort/gift I can offer.
My love, A.Susan
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