My Journey

I was recently asked what I plan to do tomorrow- it being the one month anniversary of Jacobs death. Hmmmm... nothing different than usual. I take each day as it comes, I am not simply 'surviving his loss.' I am in a place of great questioning; and not the questioning most may imagine. I am here. I had a beaut of a boy and now he is not mine to care for; so what do I do now? I don't know so I ask Him,

'Will I have more babies? I want at least three more God- will you give them to me? Will you bless me that way again? If so, when will you give me another? Will it be one or two(like Jac is praying for)? What am I to do now? Where do you want me?'

I am looking ahead into my future with a new understanding that all our best laid plans may Never happen. I now understand, somewhat, the difference between 'When' and 'If.' God knew that this would occur, He allowed it to happen. He could have stopped it- but he did not. Sin exists in this world and there are consequences for sin- death being the big one.