I am not sure if I have entered a new stage of greif or what. All I know is that starting last week I have been a bit emotional at times. I dont know the cause but I am determined to get to the bottom of it. I begun needing distractions for myself, so I started a 1000 piece puzzle and will probably have it finished in a day or two. Additionally, my kitchen is emmaculate, the house is mostly clean, and laundry has been getting done- Amazingly!
I find myself tearing up with tears of joy for those around me that are welcoming their new lil ones- which is out of sorts for me. Maybe now I fully understand the joy of a new one; now that I have had that experience. And at times I am filled with tears of pain, remembrance, and longing.
I am searching...searching for answers. I have always been 'okay' with death. I understood that everyone would die and that each of our deaths is predetermined. But now I find myself searching my mind to figure out what I could have changed, made safer, cleaned better, or done differently to have prevented my loss of Jacob's body. If our deaths are predetermined then I could not have done anything differently to change it. I just dont know what I believe about death anymore.
If only he could be returned to me- I would do whatever He askes of me just to hold my Jacob.
Yet He askes me to, "Be Still and know that I am God."
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I share my heart with those who want to acompany me on my journey.
My Commitment
I am choosing to grow in my knowledge and understanding of a perfect God. Even in the midst of times when I 'know' He is clearly no where to be seen.
This is a public declaration of my process through my personal loss. I created this blog inorder to share my heart with my family, who are not close enough to have a cup of coffee.
Missing you all and hopefully awaiting a visit soon!
This is a public declaration of my process through my personal loss. I created this blog inorder to share my heart with my family, who are not close enough to have a cup of coffee.
Missing you all and hopefully awaiting a visit soon!
Jacob Niels
My Prayer
I lift my eyes up; unto the mountains.
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You;
Maker of Heaven, Creator of the Earth.
Oh how I need You Lord,
You are my only hope,
You're my only prayer.
So I will wait for You,
to come and rescue me;
Come and give me Life.
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You;
Maker of Heaven, Creator of the Earth.
Oh how I need You Lord,
You are my only hope,
You're my only prayer.
So I will wait for You,
to come and rescue me;
Come and give me Life.
I Lift my Eyes Up
5 comments:
'Stages of grief' is not reality. The stages are intermixed with what life daily throws at us. As soon as we think 'WHEW...done with that!' we find it down the road again. We're in a fast paced society; microwaves, quick tanning, 75 MPH fwys., credit cards for those items we want NOW. But grief cannot be hurried precious ones. It must be felt. It must heal, layer by layer, sometimes revisiting layers from before. "And when my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock that is higher then I". We can't get away from the sorrow. We cling tighter to our savior and our God. We do what we can to distract ourselves. Your heart will sorrow for the loss of Jacob until you see him again. It just won't overwhelm your everyday, everyhour. We want to run...that's okay...run to Jesus and visit with Jacob as you cling to Him. Jesus sees Jacob's face as clearly as he sees you. He's right there. Oh Joy & Joel, Hang on. I continue in prayer...
Love, Aunt Susan
"The Lord has done great things for us and we are glad." (Ps.126:3) He gave us Jacob to enjoy for 47 days, then He lifted Jacob to heaven to await that coming day: "For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus." (1 Thess. 4:14)
"Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy." (Ps. 126:5)
Our heartache is unbearable alone, just remember God has surrounded you with family and friends who share in varying degrees the sorrow you have. His Presence and the promises He gives us in His Word provide us a solid resting place. "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart." Ps.34:18
God understands our grief. He will wipe away our tears. What a precious gift he gave us in Jacob. If Jacob had suffered, it would have been easier to let him go. God took him in a gentle, peaceful way and it was hard to relinquish him.
Your heart will heal as the days go by, but your longing for Jacob will stay. We know Jacob is better off, he is hangin' out with Jesus, but we are left here with empty arms and hurting hearts. God knows. God cares.
"To console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for moutning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED."(Isaiah 61:3)
We grieve with you, and trust our Lord to comfort and hold you close.
Love, Mom and Dad
I am really hurting for you today.
May Jacob's wonderful and all-wise Creator comfort you with love and peace today.
Joy, today I read the Bring The Rain post and I thought of you and Jennifer. I will be praying for you as I meditate on Psalm 84 today.
Joy, i know that the main reason for this blog was as an avenue of encouragement... yet, everytime i read what you've written i am encouraged by your genuine struggle and faith in the midst of Jacob's death. i just wanted to let you know... we love you and continue to lift you up in prayer
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