I visited the church library after our Fantasy Football Draft Saturday. I was looking for (and still am) Existence and Characteristics of God. There are several books with that title or versions there of; Joel and I want the one written in the 17th century. It was recommended to us by a friend. Joel- the smarty pants he is, would like a perspective that is not inundated with our culture. Anyways, as Joel and the librarian were searching, I perused the isles. I found a book by Jerry Sittser, "When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer."
I have been taking in his words bite by bite. I am probably reading about a page a day. This is heavy stuff. When I finished the Prologue I knew I was going to post it here. However, upon reading more, I realized that I would then be posting his entire book. I don't want to be sued for plagiarizing his work. I recommend it- and I don't recommend much. It is good, getting to the 'meat of it' stuff. He wrestles with God and prayer. Delve in and enjoy.
The tidbit I am currently chewing on is, "Maybe it is not having the answer to 'why doesn't God answer our prayer', but rather how we respond." I know that I want to respond without a flaw, I want to be perfect so I can throw it in God's face when I get to Heaven. "See, you should not have let things happen that way, I didn't deserve it. See how well I handled it?! I showed you!" I know, not the best thing to say to the Almighty. Maybe I will chicken out when I actually get there and look into His Blue eyes.
Right now I am seeing God as the loving Father. And myself as the ignorant, (not so) innocent toddler that is crying because she wants so much. He is so lovingly just watching me, listening to my crys just shaking His head. His heart breaking becuase He knows that even if He told me why, I wouldn't understand- I am just not that mature yet. And I in my fit of anguish, am just standing here crying becuase I want Jacob back. And He is standing here knowing all that which I do not. Knowing I cannot have what I want. Maybe one day He will show me why He really does know best. He knows it all. He sees it all and knows every detail. I am trying to rest in the assurance that My God, my Lord, is also good like my Daddy. That all my fighting, all my termoil is only becuase I am not trusting Him becuase I do not see all of it as He does. Maybe. But I still cannot help but to relive, replay, and wonder 'if.' Could the outcome have been different? Was it our human nature that lead to this end? Is there anyway we could have learned without the pain of our loss?
Brendan asked me yesterday, "Why did God send Him down here to us if He was only going to take Jacob back up to Heaven?" I was in awe. Yeah, God, WHY? Why would you give me this? Why?
As Jerry Sittser writes, "Maybe it is not having the answer to the 'why,' but maybe it is how we respond to not having the answer that is so important." I am attempting. It is a daily, hourly, moment by moment struggle. I will not allow Satan to win me.
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I am glad you discovered Jerry Sittser. I have read his book "A Grace Disguised" twice this last month. He does not throw the truth at you, but slowly - as you said - bite by bite, you understand his thinking. Maybe I enjoy his writing because he looks at things like I do. I ask why and God replies "Because I love you." I know he loves us and that is why He gave us Jacob to enjoy. But it was sooo, tooo brief a time.... But better that brief time than not at all!!
Thank Him for Jacob and his perfect little person, without blemish. He, too, was born in sin, but Jacob did not commit ugly sins for us to resent him for. We would love him either way, though!
Love, Mom
Dad says there are three things you both need to do; separately AND together:
ONE: What you say here is what you need to say to the Lord. Give Him all your feelings and thoughts.
TWO: You need to say Thank you to God for the trial, even though you do not feel like it. "I am telling You 'Thank you' because You told me to."
THREE: You have to throw it back on the Lord, even if it is every moment. Keep throwing the care, the threat, the worry of this issue back on the Lord. It is an absolute must to gain peace. You will gain some understanding afterward. It is NOT an easy thing to do, but you have to persist.
Dad said he feels bad for you. If he could make it right, he would, but he does not have the power to do that.
He can give you the Scriptures to back up this, if you want.
I love, you both.....Dad (dictated to Mom)
Thank you, mom(aka Dad's secretary).
I just realized that you have this blog as well. I have no idea what you are going through, but I do know that I think about you guys everyday and I know that God has a grand plan for you and Joel. I don't know if you have ran across this blog but I read it every chance I get. www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com There are so many people out there that are experiencing the same thing you are, I'm sure it would help to grieve together.
I too wonder WHY? Each time I see Jacob's beautiful picture, each time I read your blog and others -I usually end up in tears saying (excuse the blunt language)but I say, "GOD WHY? It just SUCKS. SO. BAD." And I feel anger about it. Then I read posts like yours today and the comments and I am reminded of eternity. Eternity. I believe your days of physical bodily presence with Jacob will infinitely outnumber these days you are without him. Eternity is just beyond us. Then I think, "Even so, come Lord Jesus. Amen."
Praying for you daily.
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