As I sit here typing I am perplexed. I don't know if I really believe that which I have set about to share. Bear with me as we delve in.
I awoke this morning, August 28th 2008, with a migraine I can only assume is from gritting my teeth as I slept. As I dreamed. It was a Very vivid expereince. I am hesitant to believe, or repeat, it may have been God comforting me. I know, weird.
Have you seen Groundhog's Day? The movie with Bill Murray. Not the best cinematic creation. What about The Butterfly Effect? Starting Ashton Kutcher. Either way that was my dream. Only difference is that I was reliving a weekend. The weekend of May 3rd and 4th 2008.
I cannot imagine that anyone wants to know any specifics of the different situations I 'experienced.' Can you understand why I woke up with a migraine?
I was(am) so desperate to go back and change what caused my sweet boy to die. And I was able to during this experience. After the 'end' each time I could relive it all again. And I would. I would change every aspect of it all. If it was a spinal injury due someone not holding him carefully, I would be sure that I was the only one to hold Jacob. Thankfully, He did not allow me the horror of that ending.
Regardless of what I changed, every bit or just one second, it had no effect on the outcome. In the end my sweet boy was still gone.
My immediate thought was one of biblical significance- God spoke to Daniel, David and many others through dreams. Was He speaking to me? Was this His way to comfort me? to help me to rest? To reassure my heart that there was(is) Nothing I could have done, nothing Anyone could have done to change things. Was it really destiny?
I am affraid to believe it was Jacob's destiny. If I believe this was all 'meant to be' then what does that reveal about God? I guess my real struggle is becuase I cannot reconcile a loving God with a God who would allow this.
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4 comments:
You said it well when you said you were thankful God did not allow some of the horror you dreamt. Yes, sadly, Jacob is absent from us. Yet, you did freely enjoyed Jacob with no foreboding, no anguish of circumstances and in complete abandonment to joy. Cherish those memories, thank God for the precious privilege you had to birth, caress and nurse that little life without difficulty. If you had missed knowing him, you would be living blissfully without this grief. I wouldn’t trade the few weeks we had with you all for loss of those memories.
When we try to define a “loving” God by our human understanding, we find no comfort. Would a loving God…. give His only Son to a world that would despise Him and hurt Him and reject Him, even as this Son was giving His all for them?
Would a loving God…. create a beautiful garden and a couple to live in it who would choose to eat the only item they were forbidden to taste amongst ALL the other things present?
Would a loving God…. allow His magnificent creature to lead a rebellion and attempt an overthrow, and when discovered allow that creature to continue to exist?
Would a loving God…. give us free will to think and act and question Him without fear of immediate annihilation?
A child struggles with the limitations and denials his “mean” parents place on him, until (hopefully!) he matures and understands the love that motivated those decisions and actions.
The loss of Jacob cannot be reconciled or understood, only accepted He is now with the Lord. My imagination sees Jesus weeping as He accepted Jacob into His arms. He understands our sorrow. Run to His open arms. Remember: Jesus loves me, this I know…. Nothing shall separate me from the love of God…. His grace is sufficient for me!
I am convinced that as we grow and learn, we realize we have so much further to grow and learn... does that make sense? The more I learn about the nature of who God is, I realize how little I do know and I'm faced with the reality that I am striving towards something I will never achieve, yet I do not cease striving. Maybe understanding in full is really not what the goal should be; instead, changing ourselves throughout the process of our struggling to understand, and thus we are changed in the end.
This might not make sense at all, but I'm sure there are many other philosphic ramblings of mine that don't either... regardless, I love you and am thankful for you and the genuineness of your struggle because it encourages me to be more authentic in my own relationships, both with God and others.
Joy,
two things...
first, I believe God does give comfort through dreams. The night before our situation with Simon happened, one of my dear friends (who I had not spoken to in months) had a dream that me, Simon, and her were trapped in a flood and we were swept away in a river. Simon was separated from us in the flood, but in the end of her dream he was rescued. As soon as I desperately emailed all of my friends for prayer, she told me about her dream....she did not even know about our situation before her dream. I held on to what she said about Simon being rescued, and it provided me comfort. So, I definitely believe God gives comfort through dreams. I pray He will give you more comfort in this and other ways to know that He is sovereign over all things, including this.
I too have trouble reconciling what happened to Jacob with what I have always known and believed about God's character. I believe that my focus is so much on this earthly life that God's word says is a "vapor". In comparison with eternity this is such a fleeting moment. If I could understand eternity better, maybe these two things would reconcile themselves better (God's love and Jacob's going to heaven). I do believe so many answers to our questions lie in a better understanding of something Jesus talked about so often: The Kingdom of God. The pain in this life for you seems too unbearable, but it is only for the night: Joy comes in the morning. I am striving to believe this for my life and for yours.
You have so much wisdom Joy. If life were not impossible, would we ever seek God? It is so gracious of Him to allow you to see and understand as you only could of in this dream, that this was His will for you. And Joel. And Jacob. And all of those whose lives were touched by this loss. The loss here on earth is without equal in pain and impossible without Jesus. But our time here on earth is not forever and you do have Jacob with you forever and ever and ever in heaven. David lost his son and said he would go to him but he (his son)would not return to David. God's plans for you are good. You can believe that promise. (Jer.29:11-13).Read all of the passage, not just vs. 11. Read vs. 12 where God promises He listens to you! Read into vs. 14 where the Lord speaks of bringing you back from your captivity. You are held captive in sorrow and satan's seeming victory in the death of your son. But as in the death of God's son, satan is NEVER victorious in the lives of God's children! There IS an eternity, there IS a God and there IS reunification with your son when you get to see God's own Son. Don't hurry that day; for God has many more plans for you! Perhaps many more sons? or daughters? (: Let's not give up on Him yet. Let's see what he will do in the lives of those whom are totally devoted to Him!! He loves you more then you can imagine for you are His and you were brought with a price...the price of His own beloved Son.
Love as always,
Aunt & great aunt Susan
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